Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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