hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
