Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
