I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
