had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
