just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
