Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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