I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
