I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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