I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
