Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
