Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
