I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize