FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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