redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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