oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
