Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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