I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
