Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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