The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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