Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
