The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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