i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
