Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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