drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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