remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize