yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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