I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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