I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
