she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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