I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
