Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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