Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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