If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
