I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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