dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I love you.
Bad choice
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
