mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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