there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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