I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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