If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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