the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
