you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize