The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
