it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
