I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my sisters under your porch take her home
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
