my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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