The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
