i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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