I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
