my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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