Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
