I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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