She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
