She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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