She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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