I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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