What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
