Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
