Sponge bath it is.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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