If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize