Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
