dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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