i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
