I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
