Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
