I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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