Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
