i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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