I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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