"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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