my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
